Belonging at the Holiday Table (Not Just Blending In)

Michelle Castle
Nov 25, 2025
3 min read

Michelle holding a coffee cup against a pumpkin and fall-leaf Thanksgiving backdrop with the quote ‘Belonging at the holiday table, not just blending in.’

The holidays are said to be “the most wonderful time of the year,” but a lot of us walk into gatherings feeling more obligated than overjoyed.

You know the rooms I’m talking about:

Family, friends, plus a few people you only see once a year. History. Opinions. Expectations.

And suddenly you’re not really you anymore — you’re the “version” of you that keeps the peace.

That’s not belonging. That’s performing or pretending.

A Simple Picture of Belonging

Recently, at a family event, I watched a young woman in her 20s.

The adults were standing around with drinks, making casual conversation. She could’ve been over there, doing the “grown-up” thing. Instead, she was on the floor with the kids — playing, laughing, fully in the moment, not half-in on her phone, not watching the clock.

She’s clearly not a child anymore. But in that space, she belonged.

Not because she was trying to impress anyone.

Not because she was doing what was expected.

But because she chose to be where she felt most like herself.

That’s the difference:

Fitting in = “Who do I need to be so everyone’s comfortable?”
Belonging = “Who am I, and how can I be that — kindly and honestly — right here?”

Why This Season Feels Hard

Holiday rooms are loaded with:

Unspoken expectations
Old patterns
Roles you’ve played for years

So you:

Laugh at jokes you don’t like and maybe are even offended just listening to them
Numb out in small talk to avoid confrontation
Edit what you say so no one gets upset

You leave tired, not because you were around people, but because you abandoned yourself to survive being around them.

Living LIT is about the opposite of that: being intentional about how you show up, even in rooms you didn’t pick.

What To Do When You Catch Yourself “Fitting In”

Here’s a short, practical reset you can use anytime you feel yourself slipping into chameleon mode.

You notice:

You’re faking interest
You’re laughing, but it feels off
You hear yourself talking and think, “This isn’t really me.”

Use this:

1. Do a 30-Second Reset

Quietly, without making a scene:

Feel your feet.

Gently press them into the floor. Notice the support beneath you.
Take three slow breaths.

Inhale through your nose. Exhale slowly through your mouth, like you’re blowing out a candle. Maybe in this moment you drop your shoulders a bit, to relax.
Name three things in your mind:
- One color you see
- One sound you hear
- One thing you can touch (your sleeve, chair, glass)

This pulls you out of “performance mode” and back into your body.

2. Ask Yourself One Question

“Where do I actually want to be in this room?”

With the kids?

Helping in the kitchen?

One-on-one on the couch instead of in a loud circle?

Stepping outside for a few quiet minutes?

As much as you reasonably can, honor that answer.

3. Be Fully Present With One Person

Wherever you land, practice real connection with at least one human:

Turn your body toward them
Offer steady, relaxed eye contact
Listen without rushing to respond
Ask one deeper question, like:
- “What’s been the best part of your year?”
- “What are you looking forward to next year?”
- “What’s been surprisingly hard lately?”